Entertainment Postscript

I forgot to mention that the best comic we had on the cruise was Tom O'Connor who really was quite good. Janet Googled how old he was and we were surprised to learn that he's only 75. He looked worn out and must be worried about his health because he'd brought what we assumed was a nurse with him.

Fred Olsen finish their cruises with a very enjoyable Crew Show and so some genius at P&O decided that they could do the same thing with a Passenger Show. Unfortunately, the essential difference is that crew will do what they are told and practice till they get it right and passengers won't. Also, with passengers, you are more likely to get someone whose performance makes his family cringe with embarrassment every Christmas and doesn't understand that “we look forward to this every year” is not necessarily praise. I wonder if P&O's HR Department now use the Passenger Show to grade their entertainment staff – get it right and you're fast tracked to Cruise Director, get it wrong and you're on your way back to Tesco's Southampton.

There was another Celine Dion impersonator in the main theatre so, on our last night, we settled down in Carmens to watch the Passenger Show. Centre stage, the most junior Entertainment Officer, caught like a rabbit in the spotlights, gripped the microphone rather too tightly. He announced that tonight he was presenting no less than nine different acts – all of them men. At that moment you just knew that things were not going to end well.

An octogenarian sang a love song for his wife to celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary and understandably got thunderous applause. He took this as sign of encouragement and decided to sing another song, and then yet another. The leader of the resident band Kool Blue (no neither do I) tried desperately to find matching tunes whilst staring at the Entertainments Officer with an “I did warn you” look on his face. Learning from their mistake, the audience only gave the Elvis impersonator polite applause but there was no way he was now going leave without an encore. As he launched into another one of Elvis's hits the leader of Kool Blue just shrugged his shoulders and played the first tune again.

The first intentional attempt at comedy came from another elderly gentlemen. He told everyone he was going to give them a school lesson and then spent the next five minutes sorting out a flip chart and finding his pens, his speech and something to point with. Writing down the word DONKEY he asked the audience “what do you call a donkey with a wooden leg” - silence - “a WONKEY DONKEY”. He wrote WONKEY on the flip chart and, repeating his question, he insisted that the audience read out the words. Next came “What do you call a donkey with a wooden leg who is playing the piano” - silence - “a HONKEY TONKEY WONKEY DONKEY”. Writing down the new words he repeated the question and once again insisted that the audience read the flip chart aloud. And so on -

I must admit that as he filled up the first page of the flip chart I did find this mildly amusing but as he started on the third page I was beginning to contemplate the perfect murder. By the time he had finished I had decided that if I had strangled him on stage the whole of the audience would have been prepared to swear that they had seen nothing. By the time we got to act five the show had outrun the time allocated and the audience were starting to leave. The waiters, who weren't looking forward to their additional change-over duties early the next morning, were beginning to get restless. The accidental chink of empty glasses was rising to a crescendo.

The next “comedian” stood at a lectern and read out his jokes which he had transcribed to paper from the original parchment. As more people left, a song and piano man explained that, as there was no piano, he would have to manage with Kool Blue's electronic organ although he'd never played one before. This wasn't a surprise because he'd started his act grovelled about on the floor trying to find out what all the pedals did. By the final act the audience had reduced mainly to friends and family although a few brave souls or bloggers remained. This time it was a relatively young man who sang and played the guitar. It was an amazing noise. I can't say that I've never heard a sound like it but then again I have done several building projects inside secure mental hospitals.

The Entertainments Officer finally wound up the show with a look of relief tinged with sadness as he contemplated his new career at Tesco. Behind us, I heard a man give his opinion of the show to his wife. “Well er” he said, obviously considering his words carefully “It was better than the f***ing Juggler”

Dave

Janet's Diary

23rd September

Vigo.  I really like this town, especially as a final port of call.  It has lots of 'normal' shops and restaurants, rather than those aimed purely at tourists.  The locals outnumber the cruisers and once away from the area close to the quayside, it's rare to bump into a fellow passenger.

We waited until late morning to leave the ship, as we were here until 3:30pm and the sun was on our side of the ship.  It's so quiet onboard as the vast majority of passengers get off as soon as they can and return to the ship in time for lunch.  This morning the crew had a fire drill while the ship was quiet, with real fake smoke, alarms and bells... It's good to know that P&O take these things seriously.  An announcement was also made that 'something' would be out of action for half an hour during the morning for routine maintenance , but unfortunately we missed hearing what the 'something' was.  Discovered it was the toilets when we went to use the facilities before going out!

Had a little wander along the promenade, then headed inland to the city centre, where we stumbled across Vigo's museum of contemporary art.  There was no charge to go in, and we had an interesting half hour trying to fathom out what the art was about - it was mostly video installations, you know the sort of thing,  black & white film of someone staring into space... One of the films, 32 minutes long, was called something like Searching For Love, and it consisted of a video of a man placing a gramophone needle onto a record time after time after time, until he hit the point where the word 'love' was being sung. Mmmmmmmm.

Since we were last here, they've built a large shopping mall on the quayside.  We had a little look round - not much to interest us, though I did buy a packet of Jelly Bellys ( or should that be Jelly Bellies?) from an American Sweet Shop.  We ate some of them as we watched tonight's movie, Cuban Fury.


24th September 2014

The last day of a cruise is always strange. Deck 7 is busy as the shops onboard give us another opportunity to purchase all those 'bargains' we may have missed first time around. The Inch of Gold table is in evidence, alongside the handbags, bottles of perfume, t-shirts and Aurora teddy bears.  We've all received the P&O customer satisfaction survey forms, and at dinner last night the Cruise Director almost begged us to complete them, adding that usually the return rate was very low.  No wonder, as they ask such darned stupid questions!  

The sun shone on our balcony all morning, so once we'd come back from the film talk (Jaws) we sat and read out there.  I've selected six of my paintings to display in the Art Class exhibition this afternoon.  It'll be interesting to see them compared to the work of others. There's a sort of Strictly Come Dancing show at 2pm, starring volunteer passengers paired with members of the Entertainments team.  And the cinema is showing four different films during the day, which is a great idea.  Plus all the usual quizzes, seminars (sales pitches), deck games and dance classes - I don't know how anyone will have time to pack their cases.

XX
Janet

Entertainment

 My favourite cruising activity, or rather inactivity, is sitting on the balcony reading with one eye and dolphin watching with the other. I've been doing a lot of this since we left Piraeus on our three day run down the Mediterranean. We're going east to west so we've got no sun on the balcony but it's warm and humid, like a sauna with a sea view. It's been most enjoyable but nothing has happened to disturb the normal routine of life at sea.

Janet suggested that I should blog about the juggler but some things are beyond parody. He was billed as a comic juggler but the audience didn't think he was funny and he rather let his frustration show. I really don't understand why anyone would risk booking a juggler for the Aurora. The theatre is jammed into the front end and, if the weather is a bit rough, the bows chop though the water and it's sometimes difficult for the dancers to keep their feet. Now juggling under those conditions would have been funny.

We've now had a magician, a ventriloquist and a juggler in the theatre, so I'm hoping for a performing dog or maybe even a mime artist before we get back to Southampton. We've only spotted 4 children so it looks like P&O have seriously overbooked on children's entertainers. The juggler's evening show has now been cancelled and he's been moved to an afternoon matinee at the same time as the Chocoholics Buffet. He must have annoyed the Cruise Director as well as his audience and it looks like revenge will be the sweets.

To be fair, the entertainment on this cruise has been above average, although this rating has been helped by the above excellent performances of the resident group Caravan. As well as playing all over the ship, they've done a couple of cabaret acts about the music of the Eagles and the BeeGees, which came as close to a standing ovation as you're likely to get from a room of elderly Brits with walking aids. We've had one very good speaker with a series of talks about the history of cinema and the films in Aurora's cinema would have been good if we hadn't seen most of them at the Island, St Annes. Dragging the average down, again, has been P&O's ubiquitous song and dance troupe, the Headliners.

As always the Headliners are young, energetic and for the most part talented. They are fine doing tributes to Abba or Queen in Carmens, the atmospheric show lounge, but in the proper theatre, trying to do musical stories, their youth and enthusiasm isn't enough. The productions and particularly the choreography would have been clichéd a generation ago and the cardboard set that says “Hitsville USA” should be decently buried at sea. Earlier this year there was a documentary on the TV about how the Headliners troupes were selected and trained in shed at Southampton docks. The good news is that the people in charge looked like they were heading towards their retirement dates. The bad news is that they might still have time to teach their successors everything they know.

Dave

Janet's Diary, still at sea

Sunday 21st September

We didn't get up until nearly half past nine this morning - our neighbours on one side (not the talkative ladies) are drawer slammers and they usually wake us up soon after 8am, but they must have overslept and consequently so did we.  So we missed shuffleboard again. After a quick breakfast we headed to the theatre, where Helen McGregor talked about the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  Once again, extremely interesting.

Having been fairly inactive for a couple of days, today we decided to try to get a bit of exercise in.  We did just over a mile walk after the lecture and another, slightly longer walk before dinner.  We both felt better for it, and will try to do more tomorrow.

Art class was good, even though I'm still unable to make the brushes create the picture that's in my head.  Today's subject was a lion cub.  While I was out, Dave watched the Singapore Grand Prix on the TV in the cabin.

We've been sailing along the coast of Algeria today and the weather has continued to be hot - cloudy this morning, but the sun broke through about noon.  Temperatures in the 80s still, though I expect that will change tomorrow once we get past Gibraltar.  Even though we're on our way home, all these sea days have been very relaxing and so far there's no 'end of holiday' feeling.

Enjoyed a margarita before dinner tonight, while watching Caravan's BeeGees tribute act.  Headliners were performing the after dinner show in the theatre - we didn't fancy that - and the film was Philomena, which we've already seen, so it was Kindles and an early night for us.


Monday 22nd September

The early night, combined with the clocks being put back one hour overnight, meant I slept badly. I got up before 7am and watched the sun rise over a glassy sea.  We feel cheated that we've had such calm seas all the time - but maybe the Bay of Biscay will give us the ship's movement that we crave!

Missed shuffleboard yet again this morning as it clashed with the film lecture, which today was about Bonnie & Clyde.  I think we'll be renting some old movies when we get home.  We'll view them in a whole new light having learnt a bit about the making of them.

After my art class (barn owl) we scooted down to the Chocoholics Buffet.  A shadow of its former self - we walked past rows of sickly looking cakes before deciding not to bother, and headed instead for toasted teacakes in the Orangery.

Xx
Janet

Diary - sea days

19th September

No idea what day it is...

But it's a heavenly sea day - still warm and sunny, though our cabin is now on the North side of the ship and will be so until we reach the Atlantic in a couple of days time.  So we get no sun on the balcony - perfect for me!  Whilst I went to my art class this afternoon, Dave found a chair on the sundeck and grabbed a few rays whilst doing a bit of whale watching. (Passengers, not marine life).

Last night's entertainer was a juggler.  Oh dear.  He was talented, but once you've seen one trick, you've more or less seen them all.  The theatre was not even a quarter full, and I think the audience for his second show later this week will be even sparser.

Our routine for the next three days will be more or less the same as today - breakfast, shuffleboard at 10:15, lecturer about history of cinema at 11:15, lunch, art class at 2:15, afternoon tea, read on the balcony, cocktail or martini or the day in the pub, dinner, and The Entertainment of The Day.  Tonight we saw the Headliners Do Abba, a very energetic and mostly excellent performance.

Saturday, 20th September

We woke to discover our balcony window was covered in condensation - on the outside. When we stepped outside our glasses steamed up!  It's SO humid out there, I daren't sit outside for long or I'll end up with total frizz.  There's heavy cloud cover, and it's hard to see where the sky ends and the sea begins.  Weird weather.  Still, we had a walk round the top deck after breakfast and there are many people lying there in their Speedos and bikinis.

We've just come back from listening to a lecture about the film Singing in the Rain.  It was really good and makes me want to watch the movie again, preferably on a large screen.  Lunch beckons... Then my art class, and tonight we have a pre-dinner cocktail party for members of P&O's loyalty club.  Membership is awarded after your first cruise with P&O, so I'm confident that everyone on board will have had an invitation.  We've certainly not come across any first time cruisers.  Tonight's entertainment is yet another female singer (described as a personality vocalist), so yet more songs from the shows.  We won't be attending.  I've been down to the shop to suss out what sweets they sell.  TV and Maltesers for us tonight...

Xx
Janet

Mini diary from Piraeus

Thursday 18th September

Piraeus.  When we booked this cruise, I had a feeling that Piraeus was going to be the low-point.  We've docked here twice before, the first time doing the ship's excursion to see the major sights of Athens, and the second time we took the train to Athens and gave ourselves smog-poisoning.  So today we decided to have a look at the port.  Next time we come, we'll stay on the ship - Piraeus has little to offer apart from the chance to get killed trying to cross major roads without any form of pedestrian crossings.  Having said that, staying on the ship wasn't a particularly pleasant option either.  It's a fairly busy ferry port, and there's constant noise.  It was a real reminder of why we like sea days best.  Hurrah, the next four days will be at sea.  Bring it on!

Janet
Xx

The Fallen Madonna

As we visited Lesbos yesterday, it seems like the right time to blog about another Aurora Icon. This is the statue that runs though 4 decks of the atrium which we have always called the Fallen Madonna for obvious reasons. The style is Pre-Raphaelite and it looks like its made out of Lalique glass but it's probably painted plastic. The statue actually depicts two Greek maidens of the sort that are usually seen with canopies on their heads but these have bigger hair. The dominant maiden is standing and pouring a large jug of water over the head of the sub dominant who is kneeling at her feet. The sub is holding up her hand to protect her hair. I've no idea what it's supposed to represent - perhaps they're getting ready for a wet toga competition.

Water was supposed to flow in a channel down the statue from the jar and then disappear behind the kneeling maiden's hand. It never worked properly from the day Aurora was launched. The problem was that, when the pump delivered too much water or when the ship rolled, the water splashed over the hand and out into the atrium. At the bottom of the statue are steps that the ships photographers use for formal portraits. At worst the water feature was a health and safety nightmare and at best passengers had to pose in their evening wear in a light drizzle.

The first time we were on Aurora, two workman sailed with us from Southampton to try to fix the problem. They were young, looked quite rough and wore white boiler suites with Acme Water Features or something similar stamped the back. At our dinner table was a lady of indeterminate age called, for the purposes of this story, M. She only drank champagne and only ate fish and asparagus. She had been a dancer on the Benny Hill Show and ended up marrying one of the producers. When the time came for him to trade her in for a younger model, he gave her an off shore trust fund as a goodbye present. In order to avoid UK tax, she had to spend most of her time abroad and so she just stayed on board the Aurora and paid for it out of the tax she saved. It seemed, like the Marie Celeste, she was doomed to sail the seven seas forever.

From the rather too much information we received at the dinner table, we learned that M considered that the workman had been provided, specifically for her, by P&O as a sort of loyalty bonus. After four days on the statue and four nights on M they left the ship at Gibraltar, exhausted but with the statue still not repaired. I don't know how many more men were sent by Acme Water Features or how many of them fell into M's clutches but, by the next time we cruised on Aurora, she had left for another ship and the water had been turned down to a dribble. It looked like a toilet with a leaking syphon and that's how it has remained for the last twelve or so years.

I do hope that the water feature is scheduled to be repaired during the coming refurbishment so that it can finally be seen as the artist intended. All that the kneeling maiden needs is a larger hand (no one would notice) with a bigger drain hole and perhaps a motion censor to switch off the pump in stormy weather. That can't cost a lot against a budget of £26M and there might even be enough left for a small plaque in memory of all the brave men who have worked so tirelessly on the Fallen Madonna.

Dave